I am beginning to see that when we embrace the dualities of life we become more of the person we are meant to be.
Sleep – wake
Day – night
Positive – negative
Work – play
All – nothing
Death – life.
And many more.
Profound sorrow, profound joy, has been my reality since January 6th.
Profound sorrow, profound joy has been my reality since I suddenly lost my life partner and the father of my son.
With loss there is an overwhelming experience of duality of emotions.
Something I am learning to embrace. Something I am beginning see and cherish the hidden gifts.
I watch this video I feel sorrow.
I watch this video I feel joy.
Kenny and I were in Ottawa visiting my family. Our first trip home since Brian passed away.
It was hard. Many firsts. Loss gives a whole new meaning to firsts. I use to be energized by firsts, now, mostly, I dread them and need to regroup after them.
My parents took Kenny camping for 3 days, my brother and his girlfriend joined them, I stayed back encouraged to take time for myself.
I watch this video and my heart expands to see my son so happy and having new experiences in his life.
I watch this video and my heartaches as I watch Kenny have new experiences in his life and not have his dad by his side.
I watch this video and my heart expands as I am reminded of all the love that surrounds Kenny and I.
I watch this video and my heartaches as I am acutely aware of the physical absence of Brians love for Kenny and I.
I watch this video and my heart expands as I know deep down Kenny and I will be Ok. We will survive and one day we will again thrive.
I watch this video and my heartaches as I know as we begin to fully live our life again we will no longer share our dreams and life experiences with Brian.
I deeply miss Brian, my heartaches.
The ache is constant and I openly lean into the pockets of joy when they show up, which to my surprise they are often. Thank you God.
Profound Sadness. Profound Joy.
I am in awe that I can feel both in the same moment. Since loss the duality of emotion has been a constant experience in my life.
Before loss, I don’t recall feeling sadness and joy at the same time. I would either stand firmly planted in one emotion or the other.
Actually in my late teens and early twenties my dominant emotion was sadness. I rarely experienced joy and one day after my first love decided we were not meant to be together and after weeks of reeling from my heartbreak, I decided in a moment I would no longer be a victim to my emotions and I chose to be happy. Happy was the emotion of the day. No matter what life experience I would have, I would be happy. I was determined and for the most part I was successful. I eventually realized that it was just another way to cope with the sadness that resided in my heart and how it limited my experience of authenticity and intimacy with myself and others.
Over the years I began to experience the safety and richness in embracing, feeling, accepting and sharing all my emotions.
It appears the emotional growth continues and there is more – sorrow and joy simultaneously. I had no idea this was possible.
Understanding and accepting we live in a world of duality has somehow brought me more inner peace, it has brought a depth of richness in life’s journey. It has encouraged a deeper commitment to self love and self acceptance and a greater acceptance of life’s greatest duality – life and death.
As I sit and watch this video and look at pictures of my sons camping trip with individuals in his life who have stepped up and filled the void of the loss of Brian, I cry. My heartaches. At the same time I smile. My heart expands.
I am accepting this is life.
The tragedies of life.
The joys of life.
The depth of emotion.
The duality of emotions.
Loss has taught me that embracing the negative and positive, embracing life’s dualities is where life’s richness lies.
Because of this I know I will be ok.
I know Kenny will be ok.
And I want you to know you will be ok.
Our soul yearns for this growth – when we can be with the dualities of life we give ourselves the gift of a greater love and the inner knowing all will be OK.
It is not easy but I am beginning to see that in the duality is where we become the person we are meant to be.