Thank you for all your birthday wishes.
They made a difference. 💛🙏 Along with your wishes and family and friends in Ottawa spoiling me, phone calls from dear friends in Vancouver, there were many pockets of joy injected in a week of trying milestones. Brian valued birthdays and his actions consistently showed it. His presence was deeply missed on my birthday but what surprised me most was just days later the enormous grief that surfaced the morning of Kenny's first day of school. In reflection it brought home the reason why we moved, the reason why we are starting a new life.
I was fully aware of the new daily routine; daddy not here to say goodbye and wish Kenny and I a good day, I am the one dropping Kenny off at school, I am the one picking him up, I will be going to the parent teacher meetings alone, I am the one and only aiding him with his homework etc. For many reasons it is just not right.
Brian was a hands on dad. Brian valued education. Brian loved being a dad. Brian is not here to hold Kenny's hand, walk by his side, give him a hug of encouragement when needed (for that matter give me a hug of encouragement when needed) and share his extraordinary wealth of knowledge and inspire in Kenny the same love for learning that he had. Being a great dad to his son and being a positive mentor was Brian's priority. We miss him dearly, the waves of grief are less but at times just as intense as if he left us just yesterday.
Ottawa feels right for us at this time. I have a new appreciation for Ottawa 27 years later. My son is thriving here and that affirms I made the right decision. I look forward to creating a new lifestyle that will continue to nurture our souls and honour Brian in the best way we know how.
I thought after relocating to Ottawa and when Kenny was back in school I would reengage in posting again on my coachteresia social media and writing blogs but it feels like more time is needed to go within and have ample white space and silence. One of my commitments to myself during my sabbatical is to honour and listen to my gut, even if my head is saying another thing, more often then not in the past my logic would win and would always prove to be less then the best path to take.
So for now I will continue to poke around at times on social media and connect with you and see what you are up to. I am grateful for this venue of connection.
This post was intended to be a simple heartfelt "thank you" for all your wonderful birthday wishes but it became a bigger share, thank you for taking the time to read my ongoing thoughts.
Loss, change, transition can be heartbreaking and heart opening. Know you are not alone and join me in honouring your souls whispers, it is not always easy but my hunch is it is worth it.
May your transition during the "back to school" season be a graceful, fulfilling one for you and your family.